Marriage Tune-up Step 2: Dwell With Understanding

Author: Kevin April 26, 2015 0 Comments

For the next step in our marriage tune-up we will get advice from a master mechanic first.

Peter was the Disciple of Jesus we can identify with the most because he was like a lot of us. He was arrogant, prideful, stuck his “foot in his mouth” often, and cursed when he got mad. He was a hard working blue collar guy who would fishing as often as he could He was changed into a well spoken, respected, trustworthy, honorable man by Jesus. He was also married. So when he writes about being a husband, we should take his advice; he probably became a “master mechanic” knowing how to have a peak performing marriage.

1 Peter 3:7 is the service manual from the master mechanic Peter: “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding,…“

In the context of 1 Peter 3, this passage is telling husbands to be submissive to their wives because of the word “likewise” which points us to verses 1 through 6. It doesn’t mean submissive to her as if she is the leader, but submit to her lovingly, being sensitive to her needs, fears, and feelings. In other words, subordinate your needs to hers (whether she is a Christian or not).
Dwell with her Peter says. That means to build a home together. Build it “with understanding” which is to understand her wishes and let her have as many as feasible. Ladies are nest builders, and need a “nest” they feel comfortable in and can relax in. Let her do that. It also means to understand her dislikes, and do away with those. I had to get rid of my elk and deer head mounts, they creeped my wife out, and she wasn’t comfortable. You want her comfortable more than you want your trophy’s, believe me.
Dwell also means to be home with her often. Look at Proverbs 27:8. Away from the nest the bird is vulnerable, unprotected, at risk of danger, without accountability, etc. When you are not at work (or hunting), be home! Your college or work buddies are no longer your best friends. Your wife should be, so be with her often. Work on your home. Work on your relationship with her. The “grass is greener” where you water and care for it, which should be your home.
Dwell with her means don’t neglect her. Involve her, and be involved with her in word and deed. For example, don’t give one word answers to her heartfelt questions – engage with her conversationally (which is two-way). Don’t neglect her physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have a friend who called me in tears on day because his wife just told him she was divorcing him…her reason…he neglected her. She said he was never there for her even though he was home when he wasn’t at work.
With understanding means to learn about her. The word used is not “understand”, but “understanding”, which means continually. You never have to worry about getting bored with this, women are complex and ever changing. But keep at it. Learn, (and maybe re-learn) what her favorite things are (flowers, food, types of movies, clothing, shoes, vacation spots, etc.). Do you know her strengths and weaknesses? Find these out. What are her hobbies, how does she like to relax, what eases her mind? The more you understand about her, the more you will harmoniously respond to her sympathetically with mercy, grace, compassion, correction, and with love.
You should always have your finger on her spiritual pulse. Her relationship with the Lord should be a primary focus for you. Find out what scripture passages she has memorized, or should, what ones she has trouble understanding, and what issues in her life at the time can be answered in the Word of God. Get her to church regularly, and encourage her to attend a woman’s Bible study. Hebrews 10:24-25 and Ephesians 5:26
Ask her these questions: What scripture passage or issue is she struggling with? How has God wired her to serve Him and others? What spiritual gifts does she have…and uses for the edification of other Christians? Is she growing in the Lord? More spiritual mature now than a year ago?
God gives YOU the responsibility to help her spiritual growth and service to Christ.
Do you know how to satisfy her sexually? The way SHE likes? (hint: is usually involves gentleness, slowness, and cuddling afterword). If not, ask her…enter into this discussion with her carefully though, some women find it difficult to discuss, so don’t demand answers, be kind and accommodating, and open minded and “her-centered”, not self-serving.
Remember 1 Peter 3:7 says women are usually weaker in some areas. Learn where she is weak, and don’t let them bother you. Be understanding. Devote some effort to strengthen her in these areas, or prop her up where needed. This takes effort, and communication. More often than not, women are more spiritually mature than men, but don’t let that discourage you, she will hopefully appreciate your effort to be the spiritual leader.
Women are generally about feelings, men are generally about fixing things. Be sensitive to her feelings before you jump in and fix things. Sometimes she may just want you to listen, not fix.
Know what her strengths are, and let her use them. She will be great help to the marriage and comparable to you if you let her. Genesis 2:18
Be the man of her dreams…ask her what that is. Make an effort to be attractive for her, and to make her proud to call you her husband. Clean up once in a while, shave, wear nice clothes, smell nice, and go out with her. Work out if you need to keep fit and attractive…at any age.